The Perils of Lady-wear

August 20, 2014

terrifying fur shoes

Last weekend, I attended my beautiful friend Jessica’s beautiful wedding. It was beautiful.

This is not a post about that.

Instead, this is a post about the treacherous, often ridiculous landscape known as women’s apparel. A teetering-on-high-heels, boob-corralling, squeezed-into-Spanx, costs-an-arm-and-a-leg endeavor that can be just as annoying as it is fun…

For weeks prior to the wedding, I received messages from friends in a tizzy. “What should I wear? I can’t wear the same dress I wore to someone else’s wedding. Should I Rent the Runway? Stress stress blah blah…”

At last, the big day arrived. A woman tripped on her dress. There were numerous bathroom pilgrimmages to “adjust things.” One friend whined about pantyhose. At one point, I stepped on another friend’s train. Three days later, there is still an angry red rectangle where my plunging neckline was Hollywood taped to my left boob.

So, in effigy honor of the glorious terrain we call “fashion,” here is a quick round-up celebrating sartorial stupidity bravery.

Screen Shot 2014-08-18 at 11.05.21 PM

These Kardashian-esque Louboutin pumps can be yours for only $6,395 (not including tax, shipping, and the array of medical bills that will result when you trip on their 6+ inch heels).

crazy chain shoes

Oh hi there, crazy chain shoes. I don’t like you, but I respect you. Unlike the aforementioned bejeweled pumps, you guys don’t mince words. You’re like, heels are torturous, might as well resemble a prison. For what it’s worth, honesty is always welcome here.

chanel hula hoop purse

What’s that?! Is it a hula hoop? Is it a purse? It’s kind of both, but it’s effective as neither. Though I suppose it has some practical uses. Say you were confronted with a band of muggers or zombies or something—just swing the ridiculous bag and send your assailants flying!

opening ceremony blazer

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. When I want them to go home, I sport this giant blazer.

wide leg pants

If a few stragglers are still hanging out, I put on these pants. Then everyone vacates the premises.

monkey ring

Here we have the diamond monkey cameo ring. If you decide to purchase it (for a cool $2375), please beware! Don’t, for example, drink too much and mistake it for a creepy piece of upscale chocolate.

alien ring

You know those scenes in alien movies where the face-huggers come flying out of people’s abdomens and whatnot? (“They come out of people’s chests,” the boyfriend corrected. Close enough.) Doesn’t this ring sort of look like that? At nearly $40k, it forces you to answer serious questions, like “Do I want a roof over my head, or do I want a ring that looks like the spawn of a scientific error?” The answer, well, I’ll leave that up to you.

What’s your most perilous piece of lady-wear? Or your least favorite trend?

(All images via retailers; top image of terrifying fur shoes found here)

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